I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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