I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
