guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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