Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
