you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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