I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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