My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
