Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
