im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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