Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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