I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
