The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
