I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
