On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
