____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
