So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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