there's paper in my vomit.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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