Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize