these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
