you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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