i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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