It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
