the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
