Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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