Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
