woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
