WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
