I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
we're making bets on your personal life
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
