My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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