You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
