and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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