My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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