we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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