I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
