my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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