really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
