If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
