onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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