I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
