youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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