fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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