WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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