you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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