she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
