I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
