This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
