just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
