dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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