Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
