Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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