I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
