I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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