i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
