First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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