if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
