Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
