I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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