I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
