Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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