I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
