It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize