I just saw a hot homeless man
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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