theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
