I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
