Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I enjoy the company of your penis
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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