i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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