Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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