I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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