He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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